Good one but I'd ditch the first line.
How about'the wind playssad tunes like an oldpiano'
I would agree with David that the poem needs to be edited just a bit more, which is very in keeping with haikai literature.Disturbs the calmThe wind plays sad tunesLike an old pianoThe first line is too abrupt, plus the last two lines really say that anyway, so you could think of a new line. Where was this?e.g. possible new line?the wind plays sad tunes of an old pianoorthe wind sad tunes from an old pianoAlanArea 17Bath Japanese FestivalWith Words.
agree with Alan and David--the word "like" is a giveaway for the self-conscious simile. The haiku should capture the image in the reader's head without the word "like" forcing the issue for the reader. "Like" interferes with the 'aha' moment.A friend of mine wrote the following zappai, which sticks in my mind:I trip overthe haiku simile like it's a logBut terrific image. I love the wind compared to sad tunes from a piano. Great, great image. I like Alan's last version.
Alan's last version is good
Thanks very much for help
Ditto. Nice use of the auditory sense.
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