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Tiring the heart--
mountains and ocean
too much beauty

Disturbs the calm
The wind plays sad tunes
Like an old piano



David said...

Good one but I'd ditch the first line.

David said...

How about

'the wind plays
sad tunes like an old

Alan Summers said...

I would agree with David that the poem needs to be edited just a bit more, which is very in keeping with haikai literature.

Disturbs the calm
The wind plays sad tunes
Like an old piano

The first line is too abrupt, plus the last two lines really say that anyway, so you could think of a new line. Where was this?


possible new line?
the wind plays
sad tunes of an old piano


the wind
sad tunes
from an old piano

Area 17
Bath Japanese Festival
With Words

Jim Tantillo said...

agree with Alan and David--the word "like" is a giveaway for the self-conscious simile. The haiku should capture the image in the reader's head without the word "like" forcing the issue for the reader. "Like" interferes with the 'aha' moment.

A friend of mine wrote the following zappai, which sticks in my mind:

I trip over
the haiku simile
like it's a log

But terrific image. I love the wind compared to sad tunes from a piano. Great, great image. I like Alan's last version.

David said...

Alan's last version is good

Gen said...

Thanks very much for help

diana l. said...

Ditto. Nice use of the auditory sense.