Spring

Disturbs the calm
The wind plays sad tunes
Like an old piano

http://gen-springhaiku.blogspot.com/
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David said...: Good one but I'd ditch the first line.; May 04, 2010
David said...: How about

'the wind plays
sad tunes like an old
piano'; May 04, 2010
Area 17 said...: I would agree with David that the poem needs to be edited just a bit more, which is very in keeping with haikai literature.

Disturbs the calm
The wind plays sad tunes
Like an old piano

The first line is too abrupt, plus the last two lines really say that anyway, so you could think of a new line. Where was this?

e.g.

possible new line?
the wind plays
sad tunes of an old piano

or

the wind
sad tunes
from an old piano

Alan
Area 17
Bath Japanese Festival
With Words
.; May 04, 2010
Jim Tantillo said...: agree with Alan and David--the word "like" is a giveaway for the self-conscious simile. The haiku should capture the image in the reader's head without the word "like" forcing the issue for the reader. "Like" interferes with the 'aha' moment.

A friend of mine wrote the following zappai, which sticks in my mind:

I trip over
the haiku simile
like it's a log

But terrific image. I love the wind compared to sad tunes from a piano. Great, great image. I like Alan's last version.; May 04, 2010
David said...: Alan's last version is good; May 04, 2010
Gen said...: Thanks very much for help; May 05, 2010
diana l. said...: Ditto. Nice use of the auditory sense.; May 06, 2010

Spring Haiku